“I Know My Child Best” – a mother’s story of helping her child.

I am the parent of a child with a mental illness. It has taken me years to be able to think those words, never mind say them aloud.

My very first thoughts when he was first diagnosed were shame, uselessness, powerlessness and guilt. Of course, it must be the mother’s fault. But I quickly realized that it wasn’t all about me. It actually wasn’t about me at all. It was all about what was best for my child.

All the signs of distress were there. I have worked with children and I know I would have recognized these same symptoms in other people’s children. And yet, in my own child, I was totally clueless.

Here are some of the signs that I missed:

• Crying often and/or for no apparent or explainable reason;
• Separating from or spending less time with friends;
• A decrease in grades or lack of involvement with schoolwork;
• Lack of enthusiasm in previously important interests;
• Lack of interest in personal cleanliness or appearance.

Although many teenagers exhibit some of these signs, any dramatic change in your child’s behavior might signify a problem for which he/she (or even you) may need help. Don’t be afraid to ask. After all, the life you save may well be that of your own child.

I did seek advice from our family doctor. He fluffed me off with comments like “developmentally appropriate” or assurances that he would “outgrow this.” In retrospect I have many sleepless nights asking myself why I allowed the so-called professionals to overrule my knowledge of my own child. Every parent should feel comfortable telling the professional “I know my child best.”

A few years have passed and I am happy to say that my child is doing well. He is on medication, back in school, working and doing exceptionally well. However, the road has been long, hard and fraught with pain and guilt.

I would like to give parents a few words of advice from someone who has been through the experience and would not recommend it to anyone:

• Listen to your child, really listen. (And teenagers, that means you have to talk. Please don’t assume that your parents don’t want to hear it.)
• Parents, please ask questions. But don’t be judgmental. Our children are growing up in a world that we can’t even begin to imagine. The stresses and problems are far different for them than they were for us.
• When you ask the hard questions, be prepared for some hard answers that you may not want to hear. Remember you are there to help them learn to cope in the world we are leaving them.
• Trust your own instinct. If you think there may be a problem, there may well be.
• Don’t be afraid to get help. It is not a reflection of your parenting. It really is about your child.

For more information

American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry
The American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry provides information as a public service to aid in the understanding and treatment of the developmental, behavioral, and mental disorders which affect an estimated 7 to 12 million children and adolescents at any given time in the United States.

Family Guide To Keeping Youth Mentally Healthy and Drug Free
A public education Web site, developed to support the efforts of parents and other caring adults to promote mental health and prevent the use of alcohol, tobacco, and illegal drugs among 7- to 18-year-olds.

Mental Health Risk Factors for Adolescents
From the Center for Adolescent and Family Studies, this website contains a collection of electronic resources intended for use by parents, educators, researchers, health practitioners, and teens.

Talk. You’ve Got to Start Somewhere (en Español)
TalkListen.org is a site written by the Boston Public Health Commission for parents and teens that includes local mental health resources, warning signs and tips on how to help your child.